I remember being a person out in the world, accomplishing tasks, getting things done. I loved the satisfaction of checking things off my list– tick, tick, tick. Whether it was work, writing, errands, projects, I enjoyed the life of a fairly efficient person.

Now an entire day can go by and I feel I have done nothing more than spin my wheels. Frustration builds, and by the girls’ bedtime I am snappish and hungry for my own uninterrupted block of time. I weigh the pros/cons of an early bed and a good night’s sleep versus two hours doing writing projects and computer work. Tonight the lure of productivity won out.

Here is what I imagined I might do today (a Sunday, with Tim here fully on-board to share parenting). Turns out it was a beautiful fantasy:

1. Practice yoga and/or Pilates
2.  Update my blog
3. Outline my next article (deadline approaching)
4. Catch up on email (Inbox = 100+ messages)
5. Dig and plant a spectacular new Sunflower House garden for the girls (this ambitious project involves digging up tough sod from an overgrown field, fertilizing the new bed with compost, and planting seeds in a circle).

None of those things happened. Instead I wandered around in girl-land, dead tired from two days in the city, drifting into various activities.  Looking back, I did actually get some adult-world things done, just not the ones I’d hoped for. Here they are:

1. Went for a run
2. Planted mesclun and lettuce mix in the vegetable garden
3. Did a big grocery shop
4. Cleaned out half the fridge in disgust while putting groceries away
5. Had a much-needed nap-time snuggle rendezvous with my man (always worthwhile AND a logistical accomplishment)
6. Made a casserole to bring to my friend who just had her second baby
7. Called my mom (though very briefly, via cell phone en route to the Co-op)
8. Did 3 loads of laundry and unpacked from our Boston trip.

In my former life, numbers 3 through 8 would not have counted for beans. Anything domestic or sex-related would not have applied to my definition of productivity. But here I am still–still!– in The Baby Cave, so I must re-adjust my expectations of myself.  Funnily, I wish I’d spent more “quality time” connecting and playing with my girls today, a sunny spring Sunday when I wasn’t getting things done. Why is it so hard to live in the present, to be here now with what is, my mind at peace rather than chattering away with lists and worry? Despite my knowledge of mindfulness, I can rarely put it into practice.

  At least we all had a dance party together and played Blanket Sleigh after dinner.

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