Barack and Michelle--Photo from The Huffington Post

We all know that Barack and Michelle went out on an unforgettable date in New York last month.  He swept her away by helicopter to Greenwich Village’s Blue Hill restaurant, where fellow diners reported the president kept his eyes fixed on his stunning wife for the entire meal

The First Lady shone in a black ruffled Azzedine Alaia dress and Jimmy Choo heels as they slid into their limo to a Broadway show.  Holding hands, the two appeared… in love.  Despite the conservative uproar about wasting tax dollars, much of America was captivated by this 15-year marriage still blooming with romance.

So will the First Couple revive the failing institution of parental Date Night?  A generation ago when Saturday night rolled around, Mom and Dad went out, says the New York Times.  Nowadays we’re too anxious or guilty to leave our children and too drained or overscheduled to book a sitter and plan an outing.  And the recession has made that babysitter a luxury item we can easily do without.

But private time for parents is not a luxury.  It’s a necessity- a staple like bread or rice without which a marriage will starve.  I recently went to a local playgroup where 8 moms gathered with their little ones to discuss a topic of interest.  That particular week it was Post-Baby Sexuality, and a professional sex therapist who’d been counseling couples for 19 years had come specially to talk to us.

While our babies, toddlers, and preschoolers played and fussed, downed juice and crackers, and crawled all over us, we mothers tried to focus on the counselor’s wise words.  We went around the circle and gave a brief introduction- name, kids’ names/ages, sexual questions or struggles.  Then Tania the therapist took it away.

She talked about hormones-the wild, falling-in-love hormone at the start of a relationship which lasts at max 18 months.  Then oxytocin, which grows out of deep love and companionship, connecting life partners and bonding mothers to infants.  Then the other female hormones involved in breastfeeding and childrearing that work in consort with sleep deprivation to dampen desire and arousal.

Sleep is a basic physical need without which a body will shut down, said Tania.  I was once afraid I might die from months of sleepless-baby nights that fractured my mental and physical health.  “I can’t go on anymore,” were often my first words to my husband in the morning.

In contrast, it’s entirely possible to live without sex.  Look at priests, monks and other spiritual devotees who take vows of celibacy.  The body will crave what it most needs, so when an exhausted mother sinks down in bed, she may long for sleep like she used to long for her lover.  Take care of family sleep issues first, said our playgroup therapist-then work on your sex life.

Once you’re ready, the initial homework for couples is a weekly Date Night.  It doesn’t have to be a fancy concert or an expensive dinner-a simple walk holding hands, a picnic, or a hot tub will do, anything where parents are connected and alone together, not dividing up household duties or sharing childcare.

“I feel like I’m running a daycare with someone I used to date,” said a father in the movie Before Sunset.  A regular date outside the normal domestic sphere can prevent this phenomenon and help feed a relationship that’s hungry for intimacy.

Eroticism is rooted in the unknown, says Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity (a worthwhile read). It requires risk- the opposite of family life, which thrives on routine, stability, and security.  So how can parents keep their spark alive?   Our sex therapist recommended starting with 4 critical moments, contact points during the day when couples demonstrate sensual affection:  waking up in the morning, leaving for work, returning home, and saying goodnight.

How a couple acknowledges each other in these 4 moments is a powerful indicator of a healthy relationship, says Tania.  Since I went to the sex-talk playgroup, I’ve been practicing her advice with my husband, and it’s made a tangible shift in our intimacy.  A nuzzle upon waking, a kiss out the door, a melting hug upon greeting (a full-body embrace, not a shoulder-patting Donald Duck hug) all go a long way towards resolving built-up resentment and laying the foundation for passion.

And it’s safe to do these things in front of our children, say the professionals.  Somehow we’ve learned, perhaps from our own parents, that we must hide our sexuality from our offspring.  While there are boundaries to cross only in private, it’s healthy for children to see their parents show sensual love for each other.  A deep kiss, a foot rub, a slow dance in the kitchen-let children witness the enduring fire of a loving marriage. 

It’s also healthy for us to leave them with a trusted caregiver when we go out for a date or even an overnight, as I was lucky to do with my husband last month.  After the first hour away, my anxiety ebbed and I began to unwind.  I remembered who I was beyond my mother identity.  I remembered who my mate was.  We had nearly 22 hours alone together and it was paradise.  And that’s enough said.

*Originally published in The Brattleboro Reformer, June 27, 2009

Tags:   Barack Obama · date night · Michelle Obama · Parenting · Relationships2 Comments