Do you recall being spanked as a child?  My mother claims we were never spanked, but a haze of nostalgia must cloud her memory.

Cut to my grandparents’ log cabin during extended-family vacation, when after-dinner rough-housing pushed my father to his limit. Typically loving and silly, my father roared like a grizzly when angered, thundering upstairs to punish us.  He placed me, then my little brother, across his lap– delivering a firm, quick paddle.

Sobbing from humiliation, I waited in bed for someone to come soothe me.  What naughtiness had we done?  Did the events happen once or a handful of times?  My memory blurs, but I don’t think I suffered any psychological trauma.

Now as a mother of two, I’ve never contemplated spanking as a form of discipline.  After all, the American Academy of Pediatrics states that corporal punishment is of limited effectiveness, and recommends that parents “be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior.”

But I haven’t discovered such methods myself.  There’s no clear discipline strategy in our house.  I end up doing a lot of explaining, pleading and inconsistent Time Outs– while trying not to lose the hot temper I inherited from my dad.  My anger flares up at incessant four-year-old whining, then rages at the toddler’s deliberate destruction.

I try to give my children fair warning:  “Mommy’s losing her patience.  She doesn’t want to yell, but if there’s no cooperation, she might have no choice.”

But parents always have a choice.  With the proper skills, mindfulness, and deep breathing, we can rein in our worst impulses.  We can work on improving our patience (never one of my strong suits).  We can use clever tricks like sticker charts to encourage good behavior.  We can hold family meetings and talk about our issues.  Right?

Not according to John Rosemund.

Rosemund is a family psychologist who takes a self-described “traditional” view of parenting.  He writes a Q & A-style syndicated parenting column called “Living With Children.”  A more accurate title would be “Controlling Your Children.” Rosemund is controversial for not opposing spanking, and frequently urges parents to “put the proverbial hammer down.”

In Rosemund’s world, if a picky eater doesn’t like the family dinner, that child should go to bed hungry.  In my world, that child gets Mommy and Daddy to short-order cook for her, rushing around the kitchen fixing a bagel with cream cheese.

In Rosemund’s world, if a toddler wakes up at night crying, that child is told– lovingly but firmly–  that she must remain in her own bed.  In my world, said toddler comes to sleep between Mommy and Daddy and kicks like a mountain goat.

But something in Rosemund’s approach resonated with me.  Could I weave some of his discipline tricks into my affectionate, indulgent, inconsistent parenting style?  Rosemund claims that today’s climate of parental permissiveness originated in the early 70s, when the American family became a democracy– each member having one vote.  In a democratic family, parents treat their children as equals, showing them respect and developing their self-esteem by giving them equal voice in setting rules, chores, privileges, etc.

But Rosemund advocates an alternate form of family government– a “benevolent dictatorship.” Parents should be both loving and authoritative, he says, because love and authority are two sides of the same coin.

“There is widespread tendency to regard love as a positive force, and authority or discipline as a negative, potentially destructive one,” writes Rosemund in ‘The Voice of Authority.’  ”This notion that love is somehow more valuable to a child’s upbringing than discipline is what I term “The Great Misunderstanding.”  The facts are: First, you cannot effectively communicate your love to a child unless you are also a source of effective authority.  Second, you cannot effectively discipline unless you are also a source of genuine love.”

Sounds good, right?

But how does one apply this philosophy to a willful 2-year-old who deliberately dumps her Smoothie on the floor, or a 4-year-old who refuses to get dressed for school?  How to be lovingly authoritative in the moment?

I could try to become the mother John Rosemund wants me to be.  I could read every guilt-inducing parenting book on the shelf. Or I could relax and listen to my Uncle Jamie.

Jamie is a child psychologist and father of three who advocates “Floor Time” as the key to discipline.  No, not a Time Out on the floor, but parent and child playing together on the floor!  Jamie surprises his clients when he tells them:  “The single best behavioral strategy for managing your child is… PLAY WITH HER A LOT.”

If a child feels pleasure in her parent’s attention and loving connection, says my uncle, she will be invested in keeping that relationship going.  I consider the last time I sat down to play with Ava.  Before her sister arrived, it happened many times a day.  Now it is a rare occurrence, often fraught with sibling conflict.

I could list a thousand reasons why I’m too busy, or I could simply start playing.  Rather than becoming a benevolent dictator, I resolve to take my uncle’s advice.  Play more, yell less.  And pray for patience.

Tags:   behavior problems · discipline · John Rosemund · Parenting · preschooler · spanking1 Comment