don't worry, it's not a real tattoo

It’s late August and A. is about to turn 5.

We’ve been on a countdown all month, and now the big day is TOMORROW. A. morphed into a nasty little monster in time for C’s birthday, but has now, thankfully, returned to her sunny personality. Despite some sister-hair-pulling and scratching, her behavior has been lovely– helpful, curious, sweet.

Is it possible that I’ve been a mother for 5 years?  Some days that number feels accurate, other days it seems outrageous.  Five years of 24-7 experience means that you should have a good handle on your job.  You should be quite accomplished at your job. But the truth is, this job is constantly changing, and I’m figuring it out as I go along.  Most days I’m crippled by doubts, questions and perennial guilt.

More so now than when A. was a baby.  Back then all I had to do was nurse and worry about how to get her to sleep.  I was privileged– I didn’t have to work and earn an income, I didn’t have to balance mothering with some semblance of career. Of course I also suffered from depression, insomnia, and the intense grief following my dad’s death (7 weeks before A was born).

I have to be careful not to romanticize those early months of motherhood.  It may seem like things were simpler then, but I was overwhelmed with change.  Now I try to accept that change is a constant with children.  No, with everything in life.

Just when I think I’m in a groove and the girls are sleeping through the night or behaving like angels, and I have some breathing space, some confidence about the future, something shifts again, from equilibrium to chaos.  C. stops nursing and starts pooping in her pants.  A. goes through a flurry of developmental insecurity and begins walloping her sister.  And we’re all thrown into upheaval, and the poor parents don’t know what to do.

Acceptance is the wisest path, though the hardest.  Can I accept my girls in their darkest, meanest, difficult hour?  Can I accept myself? (rarely).  Can I live in the midst of family strife, admitting I’m way over my head, that I don’t know how to parent? RESISTANCE to what is causes pain and suffering.  Or so says spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle.  Today, I vow not to resist, but to embrace.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful 5-year-old!

Tags:   acceptance · five-year-old · motherhood · mothering guilt1 Comment